Junkie

Came to the realisation that I'm a basketball junkie. Not surprised. It's the ONLY sport I follow. It's what's keeping me awake now (currently 4:55AM). I don't feel like going to sleep because I feel like reading The Links on slamonline.com. Spent all of yesterday (Saturday) doing homework while watching the Lakers Dynasty DVD's, just to give me the Laker fix I need, since the playoffs are currently Laker-less. Only distraction from homework: to read SLAM, AKA the basketball bible. Now, if only Kicksology would miraculously come back, all would be right in the world again. I probably knew it sometime ago (probably sometime between collecting every single SLAM magazine for the last 5 years or so, or being able to name every NBA champion since the late 70's, or wasting effort with Ian to try and figure out who was the number 1 Draft pick for which year, or buying each of the last 8 NBA Live games, or spending countless hours watching the Lakers and Bulls Dynasty DVD's) but it's only now, with my Lakers needing to rebuild and not being in the playoffs, that I realise that I might be a tad addicted to basketball. To think, it's only taken me 12 years of following the NBA to realise that I'm a junkie. Too bad I'm not much of a player. Oh well, as a spectator, I'm definitely hooked, and always have been. Anyways, later days!

- marty..

P.S. Miami over Detroit in seven. San Antonio over Phoenix in five. Miami over San Antonio in six. Next year, the Lakers over everybody! Kobe Bryant wins MVP for regular season, ASG and the Finals, averages 99.7 ppg, 67 rpg, and 66 apg, the Lakers go 4-4-4-4 and sweep Miami in the Finals. Everyone in the NBA retires, due to inability to compete with Master Kobe. All hail Master Kobe HURRAH!

It's up to me to save myself from me, my enemy, but I can't face it.

^^^ Trust Company - Running From Me ^^^

I'm a chronic overanalyser. It really f*cks me up when I do it. At its worst, it really gets the best of me. I've had a pretty messed up head for a while now. I've recently been overanalysing my religion. I went to my usual weekly youth group thingy, and since then I've been ridiculously overanalysing. The worst thing about it is priesthood. Like, I don't really have the desire to be a priest. But for some reason, I got the thought of it in my head, and I've been afraid to let it go ever since because maybe this is what people talk about when they say God 'calls' them to be priests. But then again, maybe it's just me overanalysing. Whatever it is, I can't let it go. I'm also a living oxymoron, mentally anyways. So yeah. My mind works like this: I don't think it is God calling me to be a priest, but for some reason, I don't want to let it go because what if it IS God calling me to be a priest? Then again, I don't have the desire to be one, so if God was really calling me, I would seriously want to be one right? Then again, I've also been told that it doesn't matter if we want to, once we're called, we have no choice but to. But then again, I'm not even sure I was called. Which leads me to the conclusion: I'm mentally f*cked. But yeah. If I was called to be a priest, I would seriously 100% know it, right? And not be this mentally shaky, currently unbalanced mess? I don't think I'd be able to be a priest anyways. Then again, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. There's no screaming emoticon, which is exactly what I want to do right about now, except that it's 2:44AM and my folks are asleep. I seriously think I'm overanalysing just a bit too much. Waaaaayyyyy too much. My biggest wish is to just be able to let this stuff go in my mind, because if I don't, I seriously can't enjoy my life. And God wants me to enjoy my life, right? I want to let it go, but I don't want it to seem like I'm turning my back on God or something. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Brain is going approximately 90000000 km/h. All I want is a normal life. To grow up like a normal everyday person, with a wife and kids and a job. My brain just won't let me live my life sometimes. That's something I won't be able to achieve with priesthood. But yeah. This whole priesthood thing has been getting the better of me for the last 7 or 8 hours. I thought I had gotten over it a while back, and I was enjoying life. Then I attended Mass, and it just started bugging me again. I guess it has to do with me not knowing what to do with my life after Year 12. So yeah, my brain comes up with, "I might as well become a priest. I don't really want to be one, but if I'm not doing anything, I might as well be one." I mean, that's the wrong attitude to have, right? If I'm going to be one, I have to WANT to be one right? Like, seriously want it in my heart. I just don't think I have that desire. But then my brain refuses to let it go, thinking "Maybe God's trying to tell me something." I want to put it down as my usual overanalysis. Like seriously, can someone just please bitchslap me and tell me I've completely overnalysed this stuff?

I'm also a completely different person when I'm alone and when I'm interacting with someone else, either through the phone or in person or on the net or whatever. I'm just different. I consider myself normal when I'm with other people. I don't like myself when I'm alone. I just start thinking way too much, and at least if I'm with someone else I can keep my mind off the stuff I usually overanalyse. But when I'm alone, I can't help but start thinking, which gets me confused and pretty mentally shaky. Borderline unbalanced. I hate it.

I cling to the hope that all this religious stuff is just another one of my usual phases. I go through these every once in a while. My mind is a neverending alternate of light and dark; it never stays put in one place. I might go for a while as completely happy, and living a good life with no hang-ups at all. Then, for a while, my brain will just crumble and start rattling ideas away at me, and I start overanalysing, and then, internally at least, I kinda breakdown. It's just that, this thing is gonna be harder to shake off, because my mind seems to think that letting go of this = turning my back on God. I don't think this is the case. My biggest desire is to return to the way I was before all this uberanalysis occurred. I was living my life as usual, and I actually had a better relationship with God than I do now. My relationship with God always prospers if my life is in a good place, because it just comes more naturally to me. I just want to be normal again. But it's hard when you feel like you're constantly at war with your own brain. Anyways, later days.

- marty..

Thursday good. Friday not so good.

Thursday was a pretty good day, which is always welcomed in my calendar. Firstly, I got my mid-year report; always fun and reassuring to read. Then, off to Parra, just like every other Thursday. Plenty of fun moments on the way, such as RD and Matt making new friends ("150 kilometres off a motorcycle and no physical damage! Mentally, though..." - Crazy guy at Parra/Matt's new best friend). Also, we bought a footy to muck around with. Well, for them to muck around with anyway; I decided to just chillax and listen to my iPod. Saw Darryn along the way; he decided to join us as well. Anywho, it was a pretty cool hang out session, for me anyway. I just watched the guys play footy while chillaxing and listening to music on my iPod, knowing that I didn't have school the next day (All hail Staff Development Days HURRAH!). Then, before we left, TJ decided to stop off at HMV. Lucky for me, I found the new Trust Company album. Awesome, yah?

And so, in contrast, Friday kinda sucked.

I can't help but feel a tad bummed. I've been avoiding misery for the entire year; I didn't really need it as (Trust) company. But yesterday (Friday), it kinda caught up with me. It didn't bother me as much as I thought it would, but that's not to say it didn't bother me at all. We did what we could, and what we thought was best. Let's just hope time proves us right.

However, we all have our bad days every once in a while, and, in the immortal words of W. Axl Rose, all we need is just a little patience. As such, I've come to the realisation that despite Friday not being the best day, things will be better in the future, as long as I'm willing to wait for it. Things will eventually clear up; life returns to what it once was.

Anyways, it's 1AM, and I've got a bit of homework to do. As such, I shall be taking advantage of the privelege of sleeping until 1PM on a Saturday afternoon. Anyways, later days!

- marty..

There's a lack of color here...

Death Cab for Cutie - A Lack of Color

And when I see you, I really see you upside down
But my brain knows better, it picks you up and turns you around
If you feel discouraged when there's a lack of color here
Please don't worry lover, it's really bursting at the seams
from absorbing everything
The spectrum's A-to-Z
This is fact not fiction for the first time in years
And all the girls in every girlie magazine can't make me feel
any less alone
I'm reaching for the phone
To call at 7:03 and on your machine I slur a plea
for you to come home
But I know it's too late, and I should have given you a reason
to stay

Why's there a lack of color? Because blue misses yellow. Screw the melodrama. Hey Di, Marty misses ya. There we go, short and sweet. Anyways, later days...

- marty..

Ivory Lines Lead...

^^^ Death Cab for Cutie - Lightness ^^^

Well, they're gone, and surprisingly, I'm fine. I'm not great, but I'm not really down neither. Visually, I'm not , but I'm not neither. I'm more..., I'd say. Well, I'm sad that they're gone, but hey, life goes on, and I'll see them in December anyways. Plus, we had a pretty great 3 weeks. It would've been better if they were here during the holidays, because I wouldn't have been so busy, but hey, it was still pretty mad. So yeah, guess it's back to reality/normalcy (I think that's a real word. Let's hope so.) for me. I'm getting back on track though, doing homework pretty much as soon as I got home. Well, after cleaning the house anyways. Oh, and took an hour or so to rearrange all my CD's to make way for the new ones I got when they were here, i.e. Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge, Transatlanticism, The Eraserheads Anthology, etc. Haven't been on net regularly for the last three weeks, what with them staying in the computer room and all, but I think that's another thing that's gonna go back to normal. Hmm, their flight arrives back in the Phils in around an hour or so, so I guess the traditional check-up-on-the-new-arrivals phone call has to be made pretty soon. In keeping with the theme of tradition, I'm going back to procrastination/homework. Anyways, later days!

- marty..

P.S. See ya soon, Mich!

The Seventeen Year-Old Man-Child

Whooooo!! Turned 17 today, pretty fun day, and if shitty stuff didn't happen yesterday, today woulda been better. But aside from that, it's been a fun day. Had heaps of fun with the relatives and such, plus a couple of the fellaz came over and kept me (Trust) company. But yeah, the stupid stuff had me reeling for a while, but now I've started thinking we'll eventually be okay. Anywho, didn't end up getting the Nirvana 3CD set for my birthday. Instead, I got the Nirvana 4CD set for my birthday! Came to the realisation that pwnage shows its physical form through said CD set. I spent my entire morning before school, and sometimes during recess and homeroom and such, listening to Cobain. Pwnage, yah? Well yeah, been a tad hectic with the relos over and such, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Anywho, haven't done ANY homework today, and it's 11:19PM. Oh well, I'm the birthday boy, right? I've got immunity. IMM-UNITYYYYYYY!! Oh well, gotta get cracking on homework. Anyways, later days!

- marty..

P.S. Blue Loves Yellow. Always.