It's up to me to save myself from me, my enemy, but I can't face it.

^^^ Trust Company - Running From Me ^^^

I'm a chronic overanalyser. It really f*cks me up when I do it. At its worst, it really gets the best of me. I've had a pretty messed up head for a while now. I've recently been overanalysing my religion. I went to my usual weekly youth group thingy, and since then I've been ridiculously overanalysing. The worst thing about it is priesthood. Like, I don't really have the desire to be a priest. But for some reason, I got the thought of it in my head, and I've been afraid to let it go ever since because maybe this is what people talk about when they say God 'calls' them to be priests. But then again, maybe it's just me overanalysing. Whatever it is, I can't let it go. I'm also a living oxymoron, mentally anyways. So yeah. My mind works like this: I don't think it is God calling me to be a priest, but for some reason, I don't want to let it go because what if it IS God calling me to be a priest? Then again, I don't have the desire to be one, so if God was really calling me, I would seriously want to be one right? Then again, I've also been told that it doesn't matter if we want to, once we're called, we have no choice but to. But then again, I'm not even sure I was called. Which leads me to the conclusion: I'm mentally f*cked. But yeah. If I was called to be a priest, I would seriously 100% know it, right? And not be this mentally shaky, currently unbalanced mess? I don't think I'd be able to be a priest anyways. Then again, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. There's no screaming emoticon, which is exactly what I want to do right about now, except that it's 2:44AM and my folks are asleep. I seriously think I'm overanalysing just a bit too much. Waaaaayyyyy too much. My biggest wish is to just be able to let this stuff go in my mind, because if I don't, I seriously can't enjoy my life. And God wants me to enjoy my life, right? I want to let it go, but I don't want it to seem like I'm turning my back on God or something. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Brain is going approximately 90000000 km/h. All I want is a normal life. To grow up like a normal everyday person, with a wife and kids and a job. My brain just won't let me live my life sometimes. That's something I won't be able to achieve with priesthood. But yeah. This whole priesthood thing has been getting the better of me for the last 7 or 8 hours. I thought I had gotten over it a while back, and I was enjoying life. Then I attended Mass, and it just started bugging me again. I guess it has to do with me not knowing what to do with my life after Year 12. So yeah, my brain comes up with, "I might as well become a priest. I don't really want to be one, but if I'm not doing anything, I might as well be one." I mean, that's the wrong attitude to have, right? If I'm going to be one, I have to WANT to be one right? Like, seriously want it in my heart. I just don't think I have that desire. But then my brain refuses to let it go, thinking "Maybe God's trying to tell me something." I want to put it down as my usual overanalysis. Like seriously, can someone just please bitchslap me and tell me I've completely overnalysed this stuff?

I'm also a completely different person when I'm alone and when I'm interacting with someone else, either through the phone or in person or on the net or whatever. I'm just different. I consider myself normal when I'm with other people. I don't like myself when I'm alone. I just start thinking way too much, and at least if I'm with someone else I can keep my mind off the stuff I usually overanalyse. But when I'm alone, I can't help but start thinking, which gets me confused and pretty mentally shaky. Borderline unbalanced. I hate it.

I cling to the hope that all this religious stuff is just another one of my usual phases. I go through these every once in a while. My mind is a neverending alternate of light and dark; it never stays put in one place. I might go for a while as completely happy, and living a good life with no hang-ups at all. Then, for a while, my brain will just crumble and start rattling ideas away at me, and I start overanalysing, and then, internally at least, I kinda breakdown. It's just that, this thing is gonna be harder to shake off, because my mind seems to think that letting go of this = turning my back on God. I don't think this is the case. My biggest desire is to return to the way I was before all this uberanalysis occurred. I was living my life as usual, and I actually had a better relationship with God than I do now. My relationship with God always prospers if my life is in a good place, because it just comes more naturally to me. I just want to be normal again. But it's hard when you feel like you're constantly at war with your own brain. Anyways, later days.

- marty..