I'll tighten my belt before I'll beg for help...

^^^ Jay-Z - Justify My Thug ^^^

I just realised today how arrogant I can be sometimes. Not in the way that I think I'm better than other people, but sometimes I can have such an overblown sense of self-confidence that I tend to bite off more than I can chew. I think it may be more about pride than arrogance; sometimes I refuse to accept help from others because I want to be able to do things on my own. This may not sound right to those who know me as the spoiled brat that I am, but there are times when I stubbornly refuse assistance from other people. I think it stems from some deep-seeded sense of self-insecurity; I constantly feel like I have to prove people wrong, because they doubt that I can do certain things.

The reason this really hit home today is because, with the passing of my Lola, my parents are leaving for the old country tomorrow to attend the ceremony. This leaves my brother and I to take care of ourselves, not to mention the house and the dog, for pretty much the first time ever. I've lived a really comfortable existence so far; I've always had someone to take care of me, either through a parent, my brother, other relatives, etc. With both parents flying out, I now have to fend for myself, if only for two weeks. The funny thing is, even though my mum offered to stay here instead of leaving, I declined and offered to take care of everything. Why? Pride. Foolish? Probably.

For quite some time now, I've felt the need to learn to fend for myself. I've seen other people who can take care of themselves when they're at my age, and I really wanted to do that, even if was only to prove to myself that I could do it. I wasn't thinking of leaving home, but doing something to become more self-sufficient. I'm extremely grateful that my parents raised me very comfortably, but I feel that this has made me too complacent; I expect too much to be done for me. I know now that this won't work when I'm older, so I guess I want to grow a little bit older right now.

Given all this, you'd think that I would welcome the new responsibility heaped upon my shoulders. But this is where that idea of 'biting off more than I can chew' comes into play. Then again, I can look at this from a different perspective, and view it as a counquerable challenge as opposed to an overwhelming burden. The last sentence sounds like the healthy thing to do, so I guess it's the way to go.

Anyways, onto other pressing issues. Firstly, I am nowhere near ready for Business tomorrow. I've wasted at least 15 hours a day for the last two days on the net, procrastinating instead of working. Damn. Could be playing NBA Live right now instead of panicking. Secondly, as screwed as I am for Business, it's a helluva lot worse for Eco. Stupid last week of exams! Plus, formals have to be prepared for. Prepared: suits for both formals. Not prepared: rides (both there and back) and after-parties. Comparing what's prepared to what's not prepared, my level of readiness for the formal is approximately: shit. Damnit.

In more cheerful news, today's the 8th. At least this month was better than last month. Bright side part two - HSC finishes in 3 days! Bright sides = L337. Anyways, later days!

- marty..

P.S. Happy 8th of the month, you!

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