The One with the Pretty Picnic

"You can plan a pretty picnic, but you can't predict the weather." - Andre 3000

The quote above really resonates with me. It speaks to my obsessive side, which seeks control over every situation, wishing everything would go according to the plans I always set out in my head. When things go awry, even if only in part, then everything's thrown out of wack.

You know, plans are pretty useless. No matter how much you envision something, no matter how perfect the image is in your head, no matter how flawless you think the situation is... there's always something lurking in the shadows, ready to rain on your parade, ready to mess with whatever you had set up. Ouch.

This, however, is a hopeful entry. It's not bitter or sad, nowhere near emo. Because, as I've learned through being a disciple of Perry (as in Dr. Cox), it's not about the shit that you go through, the stuff that messes with your perfect plans. That's not the important part.

What matters most, the crux of it all, is how you can adapt to a situation, when something's rained on your flawless vision; if you can weather the storm and deal with the imperfect version of your plans, then you've got a good chance of making it in the end.

Embrace positivity.

With all that said, I still can't help but ponder how I wish things would've turned out. The ideal result is still fresh in my psyche. The pretty picnic, back when the weather forecast called for sunshine.

"I can try to act real strong, but you and I both know I still think of you that way. I could tell you I feel it's time for us to go our separate ways, but I just wouldn't be the same, 'cause your love is still on my brain." - Justin Timberlake

- marty..

END COMMUNICATION.

• I still sometimes wish I'd walk out to my driveway to see your car parked there.
• When it's raining, I can't help but think back to the sweetest thing that anyone's ever done for me.
• Epic essay-length posts that would've had us cursing Facebook's 1,000 character limit.
• Our holidays would've been legendary. Like, even more so.
• Homie, lover, friend. That's a pretty good deal.
• More time spent just hanging out in my room. Doing nothing for hours on end. Not being aware of the passage of time. Wondering how the hell we managed to spend that much time together without realising it.
• Long drives. Late-night adventures. Those two put together.
• There's a sizeable section of my iTunes that I haven't even come close to touching. It's the part that has songs that somehow remind me of you. Maybe in a few months time.
• Skittles Littles.

Suffice to say, life had other plans. Look, I know it's unreasonable and selfish for me to think like this, but I wish things had worked out differently between us. I know I should just accept things as they are. I mean, it seems like you've been able to put everything behind you, and I think I can safely assume that you're over me. At least in that way. Honestly, I'm not even close myself. I still think about you. I still miss you. I still like you. I don't think I'm ready to face the thought of you moving on, but I'm also resigned to the fact that I no longer have any say in this. If you've moved on, I can't help that. That's up to you. As cut as I get whenever you get close to someone (even if they're my own friends), it doesn't really matter, in the grand scheme of things. Maybe I'll be where you are, soon enough. But until I get there, I guess I'll just have to find a way to deal with how I feel about you. I'm glad you've at least decided to keep me around, though.

The One with the Sage Advice

With everything that I've had brewing in my brain over the past few weeks, and with recent events allowing for a semblance of order (in exactly the opposite way I wanted), I thought it'd be appropos to post something my sister-in-law sent to me in the hopes of helping me sort through my relationship issues.

Sometimes, you just have to accept when something isn't working out. Bite the bullet, let the bitterness settle in, deal with it. Grieve. Mourn. Process the situation. Things'll get messy, but there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Once you get yourself back on track, you'll get some perspective and realise you've made a good move.

That being said, here are some words of wisdom. I definitely didn't write them, but I sure found them to be useful in helping me get some things in perspective. Many thanks to whoever DID write this list. (Like they'd ever read my Multiply blog, but that's beside the point.)

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1. Never rearrange your life for somebody you are in a relationship with. If you were planning to live abroad, do it. If you wanted to go back to school, then study. Don't move to a different country for a girl/guy unless you have concrete plans to get married, otherwise, you might end up not knowing what you want anymore when the relationship doesn't work out. That said, I don't regret my 2 years, sometimes-long distance relationship with Boogie, or moving back to Manila. I just learned that I'm never going to do that again.

2. Don't just fall into a relationship. Be conscious of every decision you make with the other person, and what you are getting yourself into. If early in the relationship you realize that this guy doesn't possess certain qualities that are important to you, or even worse, has qualities that are dealbreakers for you, end it as soon as possible. Obvious examples can be cheating. lying, disrespect, not so obvious is fear of commitment. Since you don't really talk about it until later on, you don't find out until later on-when you are madly in love and try not to care. But there are signs. Ask about former relationships and stuff like that. You'll get an idea of where his head is at.

3. Trying your best doesn't guarantee that the outcome will be favorable. Some things are beyond your control. You can't control how another person will react or feel about a situation, and you also can't make another person apologize for being the way he/she is. Sometimes people just don't fit, no matter how hard they try. It could be because they are in different stages in life, and they can check back later on-although I wouldn't count on it, or just because they are so fundamentally different, they can't find common ground.

4. Don't be jaded if a relationship doesn't work out. There are billions of people on earth. So one hurt you, and you hurt another. It's not the end of the world, and it doesn't mean everyone will, even if it sure feels like it for a few months after.

5. Don't get into a relationship if you are not ready. Just because he/she is cute, nice, respectful and has a million qualities you like, if you aren't ready, then what can you possibly have to offer? Even after you have had time to heal from the last, you need time to be on your own too.

6. When you choose to love, do it 100%. It's the only way to go. Be smart but don't overthink. Just enjoy the ride.

7. Forgive but don't forget the lessons you learned. After going through heartbreak, we discover this renewed strength, this passion for life we forgot about and find our way back to our original path, and then you meet someone new, and there all that goes!

8. You can use your head without compromising your heart, and you can use your heart without losing your head.

9. If you really love somebody, you want them to be happy and live their dreams, even if they don't necessarily involve you.

10. Give yourself a break. Stop thinking it's all your fault if it didn't work out. Give yourself time to mourn and grieve. Be with friends who don't mind hearing your thoughts over and over. Don't stop until you find that love inside yourself again. We'll always be ok.

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There was good. It's too bad it got ugly.

- marty..

END COMMUNICATION.

The One That Actually Comes Before Noon

How many people do you know with your name?
Not including celebrities? Just one.

What are all of your plans for today and tonight?
Today: I can cross basketball off the list. Recuperation period. Tonight: I'll organise something.

How old do you think you will be when you have kids?
Thirty.

Would you rather watch football or baseball?
Basketball. =D

Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
Tweener. More cold than hot, though.

What's something you really want right now, be honest!
MENTAL STABILITY, closure, peace of mind.....and better ball-handling and defensive skills.

Do you plan out your day before it begins?
Sometimes. Day/night before job.

What was your first thought when you woke up this morning?
"Fuck off, it's too cold to get out of bed! Leave me alone!"

How's your heart lately?
When I find out who has it, I'll let you know. ROFL!

Do you wet the toothbrush before the toothpaste?
Nope.

Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
Late May. =D

Did someone make you mad today?
Naw, not mad. Kinda peeved at myself for missing that last shot though!

What are you doing tomorrow?
Ball in the afternoon, then church, then chill.

When was the last time you had Starbucks?
A while back!

Where were you at 2:00 this morning?
In my room, not playing Metal Gear.

Ever kissed someone who smokes?
Oh mos def.

Do you wear glasses?
Yup.

Where did you get the underwear you are wearing right now?
Myer, I think?

When is your birthday?
May 5. =D =D

What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?
Winning. =D =D

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Chatting.

Last place you took a plane to?
Singapore. I miss Singapore.

How do you feel about the person who texted you last?
Sad. I feel like I messed up. =S

Have you ever been around someone who was high?
"Tito, we're GREAT."

Have you ever drank with your number one?
Hells yeah. He's my drinking buddy. =D

Are you a jealous person?
Yeah. Bad habit.

Are you tired right now?
Surprisingly, no. I've had more basketball than sleep, but I'm still way up.

Do you chew on your straws?
Nope.

What's your favorite room in your house?
Mine mine mine mine. =D

Last inbox message from?
Angemaline.

How many children do you plan on having?
No idea. Two or three sounds about okay.

Is your hair curly?
Nopers.

Who was at your house last?
Ange, Cels and Dianne.

Are you able to climb a chain link fence?
ROFL hells yeah. I'm Spider-Man, SON!

Who's car were you in last?
Jimbo's.

Last movie you went to see?
Hancock. It was okay.

Are you ashamed of your past?
Not ashamed, but there are things I wish I'd done differently. I'm more ashamed of my
present.

Where does your grandma live?
One's in Quezon City. One's in heaven.

Will you kiss the last person you kissed again?
I don't think she'd want that.

Are you texting right now?
Nopes.

Do you trust people?
Sometimes.

Have you ever cried from being so mad?
At myself, I think so.

Have you ever played a Wii?
Oh, mos def.

What woke you up this morning?
Fonz telling me to get my ass out of bed and get dressed for ball!

When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?
Yup! Hahaha, unless it's of the utmost importance that I get up.

Where are your siblings right now?
Shaving his head, recuperating from basketball.

Do you wear a name tag at work?
Work? What is this, work?

Do you have any tattoos?
Nope! Not yet. =D

Last place you ordered food from?
Pizza Hut! "I'm too good for the Hut, I'm too good for the Hut!"

What high school did/do you attend?
Patrician Brothers' College, Blacktown.

What are you excited for?
Bacon and eggs for breakfast! =D

What did you do last night?
Play MGS4, entertain, chat, mope.

Last song you sang?
"Come on, Eileen! I swear (well, he means), at this moment, you mean everything!"

If you could change your eye color what would it be?
Pure white.

What color are your eyes?
Dark brown.

What's the longest you have talked on the phone to someone?
Six hours.

How many 20 dollar bills do you have on you right now?
Nada!

Do you have any friends that you've known for 10 years or more?
Nope. Longest is about nine.

Do you know how to drive a stick shift?
Nope!

Anything hurt on your body right now?
My thigh, kinda corked. And my knee. But that thing always hurts.

When was the last time you laughed?
Sniggered? This morning, in the car. Really hard? Wednesday night.

Have you ever been stalked?
Nope.

What was the last thing you cried about?
A bunch of things.

What are you drinking?
Nothing, at this moment. I've got Gatorade in my system though. =D

What do you wear to bed?
Home clothes!

Is your shirt new?
Hells no.

Do you read often?
I guess. But mostly magazines and articles.

The last person you fought with?
Don't know?

Name something that's on your mind right now?
"Schizophrenic conversations, that I'm always having with myself."

When was the last time you sang out loud?
This morning, after getting home from basketball.

Who do you really want to see right now?
Angemaline. And the guys.

What do you wear more, jeans or sweats?
Sweats, I'm home more often.

Are you pregnant?
Mos def. Carrying a litter, here!

Do you swear a lot?
Yup.

Who was the last person you shared a bed with?
Ange and Matt. Hahaha! Late-night convos until 4:30AM, what up!

Where was your default MySpace picture taken?
Fonz' room. Hahahaha!

What are you currently listening to?
Staind - Schizophrenic Conversations.

Have the cops ever came to your house?
Yup.

Who's your last missed call?
Karl ValDiesel.

Where do you want to go?
The Phils, for a bit.

Do you always wear your seat belt?
Yup!

What's a happy time you've had in the past week?
Anytime I've had my friends around. =D =D

Who did you last shoot a dirty look at?
Probably Dianne.

What kind of dog do you have?
Labrador!

Do you drink beer?
Yup. Not a lot, but every once in a while.

Where did you buy the shirt you're wearing now?
*shrugs* Somewhere in the Phils?

What is something you need to go shopping for?
New jeans.

Do you have any tan lines?
ROFL, I have lines from a Tan? Do those count? =D

Do you remember the name of your kindergarten teacher?
Oh, no. Sorry.

When you're at the grocery store do you use the self checkout?
Nope.

Has anyone ever sang to you?
Yes.

Has anyone ever given you roses?
Naw.

If you were abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?
Hells yeah. I'm quite the woodsman.

Honestly, what color is your underwear?
Grey.

Have you done something bad today?
Yes! I got called for a double dribble. How Bush League is that?!

What was the last thing you ate?
Sinigang for lunch yesterday. It's been 18 hours since then.

When was the last time you really cried your heart out?
Oh, it's been a while. Almost a year to the day, actually.

When was the last time you hugged someone and who was it?
Cels, when I said bye.

Are you normally a happy person?
Not really. I'm usually all pensive and mopey. But put me around other people, and I brighten up.

How many months are there until your birthday?
Ten more!

Do you own any kind of yellow clothing?
Hahaha, yes. Quite a bit.

How many piercings do you have?
None.

Any siblings?
Just my big brother. =D

Are you single?
Yup, I'd have to say so.

What makes your bedroom unique?
I live in it?

What's your favorite season of the year?
Autumn.

Do you like cheese?
Yeah.

How old is the first person on your top?
My age, twenty.

What is your current mood?
Very whatever right now. But leaning towards cheerful.

What are you looking forward to in the next three months?
Snow trip. Time to heal wounds. Hopefully sort my shit out.



The "If you HAD to" section:
If you HAD to get a tattoo, where would you want it?
Around my wrist. =D

If you HAD to dye your hair a color what color would it be?
Platinum blonde. Martin Mathers, baby.

If you HAD to get a piercing (not ears) what would you get?
Eyebrow.

If you HAD to go on a reality tv show, what one would you go on?
Euch. Don't make me choose. Um, My Restaurant Rules? ...As a judge. =D


The "WOULD YOU?" section:
Would you rather love one person or have many short relationships?
Admit one, please.

Would you move anywhere else if you could?
YES PLEASE! I love Sydney, but I need to move.

If you were given the chance to go to South Africa, would you go?
Oh, for shizzle.

If you were given 10 million dollars to keep, what would you do with it?
Quarter to my family. Half to myself. Quarter to charity.


The "CURRENT YEAR" section:
Are you the same person as you were at the beginning of the year?
In some ways, yes. Which is so fucking sad.

Anything exciting happen this year?
Oh plenty! It's been really eventful, in both good and bad ways.

Have you been involved with the police this year?
Not yet.

Are your best friends still your best friends?
Oh, mos def. =D

Got any tattoos or piercings this year?
Nope.

Been kicked out of a public place this year?
YES! Lowenbrau! Hahahaha!

- marty..

END COMMUNICATION.

The One That Just Keeps Going and Going and...

I've been confused for a while. Frazzled. In need of explanations, solutions. Quick-fixes.

Especially with what's going on in my own head. When things come up and I can't rationalise or explain them to myself, then I begin to trip, freak, bug out. Go crazy. Go haywire.

It's a bad cycle. I think too much about situations, but the only way I can get myself out of them is to keep THINKING in the hopes of finding a solution. I feel that if I don't try and think of an explanation, I'm running away from the problem, instead of manning up and just dealing with it.

People say I shouldn't think so much. I wish I was one of those people who could just relax, let a situation go, and just ride the flow of whatever was happening. Wish I didn't let my thoughts get in the way of my life half the fucking time.

I wish my life was just set out in front of me. Fuck surprises. Give me stability or give me death. I'm not saying it has to be boring...it just has to be stable. No flip-flopping back and forth.

Nothing scares motherfuckers off faster than confusion. Uncertainty. The future is a question mark. Fuck that. Give me an exclamation point.

This has been a stream of consciousness blog brought to you by the inner workings of Martin Lorenzo Cabral Maelstrom Kidcatastrophe Pagdanganan's psyche. Hope you've enjoyed your stay. Please leave a message after the tone. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

This isn't over.

- marty..

P.S. I wasn't even drunk when I wrote this. Cot damn, imagine if I was.

END COMMUNICATION.

The One About Not Wanting to Be Here

"Well, heaven knows that without you is how I disappear."

"Can you hear me cry out to you? Words I thought I'd choke on. Figure out. I'm really not so with you anymore. I'm just a ghost."

"Here's a thought for every man who tries to understand what is in his hands. He walks along the open road of love and life, to find it if he can. Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say. Chained to all the places that he never wished to stay. Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say. And as he faced the sun, he cast no shadow."

"I wish that I could disappear. Unzip my skin and leave it here. So I could be no one again. And never let nobody, I'd let nobody, I'd let nobody in."

"As life flies by, I'm not sure how I'm gonna do this all again. So, line by line, I'll write this down, and I'm just trying to find the end."

"It's up to me to save myself from me, my enemy... but I can't face it. It's like I can't wake up, it's like I can't get up, it's like I can't remember who I used to be. Am I running from you, or am I running from me?"

"You take me down further inside of me. Now I'm fading out, I can barely see. I hover."

"The saddest part of a broken heart isn't the ending so much as the start. The tragedy starts from the very first spark. Losing your mind for the sake of your heart."

"I wish I'd see your face below. I wish I'd hear you whispering low. But you don't live downtown no more. And everything must come and go. Again, the sun was never called. And darkness spreads over the snow, like ancient bruises. I'm awake, and feel the ache. But...I wish I'd see a field below."

"Just let me know where we go...after the fall."

Lyrics are therapeutic.

- marty..

END COMMUNICATION.