And I don't know how I'ma manage if one day you just up and leave.

2:30AM.

Finally alone, on a balcony, with a full drink and a full ashtray to keep me company. Just me and my thoughts, and I have a lot of 'em right now.

I've got a lot of things to figure out. Now's as good a time as any to start.

- marty..

END COMMUNICATION.

Pursuit of happiness

Had a moment last night while I was sitting in the living room, so high, so chill, with Solo Dolo playing in the background. I was there in a room full of people, but I couldn't help feeling lonely for a split second.

"Listen good, I don't have nobody. This is what I fear are the sounds of sanity."

Momentary lapse. I'm in a much better state of mind this morning.

- marty..

END COMMUNICATION.

I'm alive.

Flyleaf - All Around Me

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place

The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you

I'm alive
I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

So I cry
(Holy)
The light is white
(Holy)
And I see you

I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive

And I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you own me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed

- marty..

END COMMUNICATION.

Both sides of the story.

Good news:

• My mood appears to be lifting, albeit slightly.
• We won our first game of the season yesterday!
• Inching closer to the beach house. Two more days! Al...most...there!
• Belief in humanity was bolstered last night when a stranger invaded my world and dropped random items out of boredom. I'm worried this may have effectively nerfed the next few bosses (given I took down the Bell Gargoyles in 4 hits), but I can always just unequip.

Bad news:

• Still feeling fairly pensive. Not out and out despondent, but more...quiet. It's weird. I'm not sure if I like it.
• Still scared of making contact. Definitely need to grow a set and just go for it. You never know until you ask.
• Exhausted. Maybe playing Dark Souls until 1AM last night wasn't the best idea. I couldn't help it, I just needed to try that new gear!
• Long day of work ahead. Imminent despair...
• Weather for Thurs - Sun looks horrible, sunshine-wise! So much for getting a tan =(

- marty..

END COMMUNICATION.

Gregory and the Hawk - Boats and Birds

If you be my star, I'll be your sky
You can hide underneath me and come out at night
When I turn jet-black, and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine

But you can skyrocket away from me
And never come back if you find another galaxy
Far from here, with more room to fly
Just leave me your stardust to remember you by

If you be my boat, I'll be your sea
A depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity
Ebbing and flowing, and pushed by a breeze
I live to make you free
I live to make you free

But you can set sail to the West if you want to
And past the horizon, 'til I can't even see you
Far from here, where the beaches are wide
Just leave me your wake to remember you by

If you be my star, I'll be your sky
You can hide underneath me and come out at night
When I turn jet-black, and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine

But you can skyrocket away from me
And never come back if you find another galaxy
Far from here, with more room to fly
Just leave me your stardust to remember you by

Stardust to remember you by

- marty..

END COMMUNICATION.

Mayer

"All you need is love...

...is a lie."

- marty..

END COMMUNICATION.

On hyperawareness and progress

Cox: "...right now, all I see is a guy who's so worried about what everybody else thinks of him that he has no real belief in himself."

I came to the realisation today that I'm someone who puts way too much stock into what other people are thinking, how I'm viewed, how I come across to other people or whether or not I made a good impression. Amongst other things.

Normally this wouldn't be a huge issue if I could manage this in a normal way, not let myself get wrapped up in thinking about it and should things turn out negatively, be able to walk away and say, "Oh well, it is what it is."

To be fair, I think I'm getting better at doing all of the above. But on days like today, when I went out on a limb (an extremely tentative limb at that) and things didn't go as planned, I still feel the sting. And I need to process the idea that it's not always going to go my way, that I need to develop thicker skin and most importantly, that I need to find things about myself I can be happy about.

This is coming from a guy who is no longer afraid to take the last shot, to take on an angry customer, to be in the same room as an emotional client, to meet new people, or to be in an uncomfortable situation where I feel anonymous. Just looking over the past year, I know I've developed a sense of confidence in myself, mostly by throwing myself into things I would never have even considered doing in years past. This is just one of those things: I need to be able to put myself in these situations and not buckle at the fact that it didn't go my way.

I just need to be patient. It'll happen, and I don't need to rush. Judging from my luck the past few months, it'll be here soon enough.

I initially planned on writing a(nother) pessimistic and cynical post, and now I'm ending it on a high note. Progress.

- marty..

END COMMUNICATION.

It's been awhile...

New resolution: I will try to write for at least half an hour everyday. In some way shape or form.*

I've missed this. I'm not the most creative person but I always liked writing as a way to express myself. More often than not, it serves as my channel for catharsis.

Quick recap of major events since October 2009:

• I fell in love and had my first proper relationship. We're no longer together and it was a really intense period in my life, but despite all the crazy and honestly depressing things that happened, I'm still really glad it happened. I learned a lot about love, women and myself, and when we were good, we were amazing. That's what I'm going to take away from it.

• I visited the city of my dreams and lived there for seven whole weeks. New York was everything I wanted it to be. I think I was tailor-made for NYC, given that three of the biggest aspects of the city's urban culture (basketball, hip-hop and sneakers) are three of my favourite things in life. I'll be back soon, I promise.

• I graduated and earned my degree. And then I was brought back to Earth by the reality of looking for work. Luckily, after eight long months, I finally got a break. I've been at my current role for over a year now. It hasn't been perfect, but I love everyone that I work with. I'll have to move on eventually, though. That'll be a sad day!

• I joined a gym. This wouldn't be a major thing for some people, but coming from someone who used to be a tub and refused to do any exercise other than basketball, this was a big step. I grew up with hilariously bad eating habits, and I don't want to carry that into adulthood. I want to be healthier.

I know that there's plenty more that's happened over the past twentyfive months, but those are the biggest things I can think of, or am willing to write about.

It's a good start. It's great to be back.

- marty..

*This does not apply to my day job (or as I like to call it, "Those eight excruciating hours between Dark Souls sessions").

END COMMUNICATION.

Extremely relevant, right now.

I'm watching Two Guys and a Girl (sidebar: I miss this show!), and Berg and Irene just had this exchange:

Berg: I consider myself to be a good person, you know, and I'd hate to think that there's somebody out there who doesn't feel the same way.

Irene: Oh, so everyone in the world should love you?

Berg: I don't think that's too much to ask!

I love it when a line from a song or show sums up exactly what you're thinking/feeling, or helps you explain why you feel so affected by a situation.

Don't worry Berg, I know e x a c t l y how you feel.

- marty..

END COMMUNICATION.

This stings a little.

It's been over two years since I've felt compelled to write anything. I kept telling myself I'd get back to it, and given that the most significant parts of my life occurred during my hiatus, one would think I would've found plenty of inspiration to write again.

I find myself back here because of a mistake (surprise, surprise) and how the consequences of my actions are troubling me. In the grand scheme of things, it's probably something that would fade over time, but for now, it's causing me to doubt things about myself which I previously held to be ironclad.

Like the fact that I'm a nice guy. I know I can be a jerk, but most of the time that's in jest. But this is one of those times when I feel like I've embarassed people I care about and given them second thoughts about the kind of person I am. And that's not easy to face. I used to take pride in being a stand up guy, and now, I think I have a lot of growing up to do before I can believe that about myself again.

I'll give myself some time to get over it. Hopefully once everything settles down I get a chance to sincerely apologise to people and prove that (99% of the time) I'm a good guy. And I hope that my next few entries are written from a much sunnier perspective. Amen?

- marty..

P.S. Soundtrack for this entry:

Bon Iver - Woods
Death Cab - Some Boys
Kid Cudi - Mr. Rager
Lykke Li - Hanging High
Nirvana - About a Girl
Dios Malos - You Got Me All Wrong
Yellowcard - City of Devils

END COMMUNICATION.