On hyperawareness and progress

Cox: "...right now, all I see is a guy who's so worried about what everybody else thinks of him that he has no real belief in himself."

I came to the realisation today that I'm someone who puts way too much stock into what other people are thinking, how I'm viewed, how I come across to other people or whether or not I made a good impression. Amongst other things.

Normally this wouldn't be a huge issue if I could manage this in a normal way, not let myself get wrapped up in thinking about it and should things turn out negatively, be able to walk away and say, "Oh well, it is what it is."

To be fair, I think I'm getting better at doing all of the above. But on days like today, when I went out on a limb (an extremely tentative limb at that) and things didn't go as planned, I still feel the sting. And I need to process the idea that it's not always going to go my way, that I need to develop thicker skin and most importantly, that I need to find things about myself I can be happy about.

This is coming from a guy who is no longer afraid to take the last shot, to take on an angry customer, to be in the same room as an emotional client, to meet new people, or to be in an uncomfortable situation where I feel anonymous. Just looking over the past year, I know I've developed a sense of confidence in myself, mostly by throwing myself into things I would never have even considered doing in years past. This is just one of those things: I need to be able to put myself in these situations and not buckle at the fact that it didn't go my way.

I just need to be patient. It'll happen, and I don't need to rush. Judging from my luck the past few months, it'll be here soon enough.

I initially planned on writing a(nother) pessimistic and cynical post, and now I'm ending it on a high note. Progress.

- marty..

END COMMUNICATION.